self-rejection is the death of the soul
and a heavy burden which must be tossed out
I have come to believe that being ‘beloved’ is one of the most intimate facts a human can accept. An alternative to accepting belovedness is self-rejection, which is a tragically festering thing. Self-rejection harbours habits which make the soul creak, groan, decay, fret, agonise, ruminate and despair.
Belovedness, however, gives life. It is a fresh remedy of renovation. With clipboard in hand and pencil on ear it demands for horizons to widen, ready to rally against any force in the business of shrinking it. Belovedness has a hearty life-long friendship with both restoration and redemption. It is like a herbal concoction ready to resuscitate.
Henri J.M. Nouwen says self-rejection is ‘the great trap.’1
There are many stereotypical and tempting trappings in our world.2 In fact, you may be able to list them:
success
power
popularity
Even in the secular world, the mark of a wise person is one who doesn’t lose themselves in the pursuit of these things. This sentiment acts like a worldly proverb: a tale as old as time. However, like a puppet on strings, these stereotypical trappings succumb to something larger, often hidden, usually unseen which control the dance: self-rejection.
Self-rejection, often not through fault of our own, can meddle in one’s journey to accepting belovedness. It is terribly intrusive.
When I dug into the sedimentary layers of my own habits of self-rejection, deep into the dank pit of it, I found that it was an awfully layered beast.
Self-rejection is the act of rejecting oneself and it comes in many forms and wears many hats. It can form its roots in childhood which is a terrifyingly vulnerable and impressionable time. An overly harsh word; a moment of uncontrollable rage from someone you trust; feeling like you never live up to someones expectations of you; rejection from society because of your gender, sexuality, race, amongst many other things. It feels like much of adulthood is untangling oneself from harsh moments in past life, whilst also dealing with the challenging reality of the present.
Nouwen describes self-rejection as ‘the psychic manifestation of a much deeper human darkness: the darkness of not feeling truly welcome in human existence.’3
When humans succumb to the voices which brand one ‘worthless and unlovable’ the trappings of success, power and popularity are attractive caves to hide in - with cobwebby corners in desperate need of love’s efficient feather duster.
How easy it can be to blame ourselves when we are rejected, abandoned or denied. It is woefully tragic. ‘My thoughts, wants and needs do not matter’. This self-flagellating notion wounds the soul, for we are not creatures who can live off of nothing. These thoughts can escalate to dark places and one can convince oneself that they deserve bad treatment and should accept/tolerate interactions that leave them feeling dehumanised and small. Feelings of worthlessness are not what we were made for.
Arrogance presents itself as another mask of self-rejection. Nouwen says ‘isn’t arrogance, in fact, the other side of self-rejection? Isn’t arrogance putting yourself on a pedestal to avoid being seen as you see yourself? Isn’t arrogance, in the final analysis, just another way of dealing with the feelings of worthlessness?’4 Arrogance hides one’s true self through fear of rejection. It is another attempt to manage beliefs of unworthiness.
Now, listen to this…
‘Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the “Beloved.” Being the Beloved expresses the core truth of our existence.’5
Our belovedness is the state of being loved by God. Our belovedness is sacred, pure, and very much intact. Belovedness is a tender force which tears down the spiky barriers, barricades and blockades of self-rejection which intrude on our lives. Belovedness can tear down these obstacles, and it can also slowly melt them, disassembling each brick from the wall of self-rejection one at a time.
I think often, without always realising it, we find ourselves constantly looking for a final feeling of inner well-being - something that can make our soul relax and exhale. We search for it in things and people, anything that leads us to believe it will be the ultimate epiphany. This can mean that we constantly run around the only thing that will truly satisfy: God, who is love and the creator of you.
The more I realised the extent of my self-rejection, the more irritated I was when I recognised these moments of self-rejection in my everyday life. This was after a significant period of grieving upon the realisation that my self-rejection had ruled for too long. Once I got passed the lament, self-rejection quite frankly annoyed me, like a fly in a room or when your jumper catches on a door handle. And as more time went on, I found myself saying ‘I really can’t be bothered with you today, please leave, I am utterly bored of you’ to self-rejection.
I like to think heaven rejoices when I say things like that.
So, to conclude my thoughts, please choose belovedness, it is so much more fun.
page 31, ‘Life of the Beloved’ by Henri J.M Nouwen
these things aren’t inherently bad, rather, easy to pervert
page 33, Nouwen
page 32
page 33